God and Adam are walking through Eden, when Adam says: "God, I'm lonely."

  God thinks about this for a few, and says, "Well, I've been working on something new. The skin is as soft as flower petals and the eyes are as deep as oceans. The hair falls like a water fall and the voice is like a chorus of my angels. The intentions are always pure and the tongue is full of compliments. This will never hurt you in any way and will love you as much as I do, in sickness or in health, under any circumstances, and despite any of your imperfections."

  "Wow." says Adam after a moment. "What is it?"

  "Not it, Adam. Her. Its a woman. She's one of my best creation yet." said God with a grin.

  "How much will it cost me?"

  "An arm and a leg."

  "That's steep." said Adam thinking about it long and hard. "What can I get for a rib?"

 

Adam is walking with the Creator through the peaceful garden of Eden. Adam asks him out of the blue: "God, why'd you give me something as perfect as Eve?"

  God thinks about this for awhile and smiles. "Because life needed something that beautiful."

  "Why'd you make her so beautiful?"

  "So, you'd love her."

  "And why'd you make her eyes so deep?"

  "So you'd always want to look into them."

  "And her hair fall so beautifully?"

  "So, you'd always want to touch it."

  "And why'd you make her skin so soft?"

  "So youd always want to touch her."

  "And why'd you make her voice so pretty?"

  "So you'd always want to talk to her."

  "Now, God, I don't want to seem disrespectful, but why'd you make her so stupid?" God looks at him like he should know this, and then answers.

  "So she could love you."

 

A new priest, Father Ray, is new at this church, and is doing his first confessional. The man confesses to arson, and Ray has no idea what to do. Since all churches are different, he tells the man to hold on a minute, and goes and asks the senior father.

  The father smiles and gives him a sheet. There, there is a list of sins, a dash, and then the penants for them. He returns and tells the man to do five Hail Marys and ten dollars. The man thanks Father Ray and leaves after giving him the cash.

  A woman walks in and admits to adultery. He asks for one Hail Mary and five dollars, and she leaves after giving him the cash. As she leaves, a man steps in and admits to the sin of sodomy. Ray, try as he might, could not find sodomy on the list, so he excuses himself, and goes to a nearby altar boy. In a hushed tone, he asks: "Hey, what does the priest give for ass sex?"

  "Oh, usually only milk and cookies, but on good days, a Snicker's bar too."

 

A little girl, Samantha, has her grades severely suffering in Math, so her mother sends her to a catholic school in hopes of better teaching. Soon, the girl's excelling in math at an unusual rate and even declines dessert and offers to go play at the park to study. Concerned but happy, the mother asks her why the sudden interest.

  "Well, I didn't really care at first, but then I saw this poor little fucker they nailed to a cross, and that changed my mind right there."

 

Two boys, both under ten, are notoriously bad. If anything went wrong, they were sure to be involved, so their mother sent them to a preacher known for his strictness and ability to tame children. He decides to take them one by one, and he takes the younger one aside. The mom and other son go home, waiting for a call from the preacher to come and get him.

  When in the room, the priest asks, "Where's God?"

  The boy doesn't answer, so he asks more sternly. "Where's God?"

  Still nothing, so dangerously, he says, "Where's GOD!?"

  The boy runs home scared and runs straight into his closet. The other son follows him into the crowded space and asks him what's the matter.

  "Man, we're in big trouble. God's missing and they think we have something to do with it!"

 

A man is sentenced to an eternity in Hell and is sitting on a rock crying in the middle of shooting flames. Satan walks up to him and sits down beside him, slinging his arm over his shoulder in a friendly manner.

  "What's your name?" he asks.

  "Noel."

  "Well, what's wrong?"

  "Well, I kind of had my mind set on Heaven."

  "You know, Hell's not that bad. I mean, do you like drinking?" the man nods and Satan continues. "Then your gonna like Mondays. Nothing but drinking. Scotch, Vodca, Tequila, Whisky. Anything you want, and if you fuck up your liver, big fuckin' deal! Your dead anyway!"

  "Wow, that's great."

  "And do you like smoking." the man nods. "Then your gonna love Tuesdays! Nothing but. Smoke everywhere. Thats all we do all day long. Smokesmokesmoke. And if you fuck up your lngs, big fuckin deal! Your dead anyway."

  "Cool!"

  "And do you like drugs?"

  "You bet your ass I do!"

  "Well, then your gonna love Wednesdays! Nothing but. Acid, Weed, Extacy, Coke, Heroin, and if you fuck up your nervous system, big fuckin' deal! Your dead anyway! And do you like women?"

  "No, you don't mean-"

  "Yup! Nothing but women on Thursdays! Sexsexsex and nothing but. Fuck anyway you like and do it for as long as you want. And if you get an STD, big fuckin deal! Your dead anyway!"

  "This place is awesome!"

  "Are you gay?"

  "No, why do you ask?"

  "Oh, your gonna hate Fridays."

 

Four people, Ryan, Felicia, Robby, and Xanetta all get in a car crash and go to Heaven. The four are directed right fromt he pearly gates to go and see God. They do, and God gives them the grand tour, and finally tells them that they are like spiritual guinea pigs. They all looked at him confused, and he explained saying that they wanted to see if temptation was eliminated in Heaven or still alive but dormant.

  Well, they agreed, because, damn, they were in Heaven! So he tells them that they could do whatever they wanted, just not to step on a pink cloud.

  So the four set off and, curious of what would happen, Xanetta steps on a pink cloud. Everyone waits for a few moments, and finally a quiazimodo looking fucker comes out of nowhere and kisses her. The others run away, scared of seeing anything else befall their friend, and in their haste, Felicia steps on a pink cloud. The same ugly guy comes out and kisses her so he and Ryan run away a safe distance. Finally, they decide they can't lose eachother and grab onto eachother's shoulders, watching eachothers backs and avoiding all patches of pink clouds.

  Suddenly a shroud rolls in, and when Robby looks over, he sees that Ryan is gone.

  Questing through heaven for a few hours, he finally finds him making out passionately with a supermodel. Amazed, Robby asks what cloud he stepped on. The supermodel looked away and says, "I stepped on a pink cloud."

 

A mafia boss's son is writing a christmas letter to Jesus. He starts off with "Dear Jesus, I have been good all year," but crumples up the paper and throws it away. Then he tries, "Dear Jesus, I have been good most of the year," but still disgusted, throws it away too.

  Finally, he goes into his mom's room and grabs the Virgin Mary's statue and stuffs it into the closet. he then proceeds to write a note: "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mom again. . ."