|
|
Famous Quotes About Drinking.....
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man, who invented beer. --Plato
Sir, if you were my husband,
I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --Churchill's
reply
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God
loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer,
I
bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
The problem with the world is that everyone is a
few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
An intelligent
man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're
not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you
don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
I believe this is from www.comedy.com. Thanks for not suing. Cheers!
| |
A guy named Ricky walks into El Gringo pissed off, and the bartender who's always there for advice, Robby, gixes
him a drink quickly while asking whats wrong. Ricky looks up and answers: "All lawyers are fucking assholes." A man from
down the bar replies in protest: "Hey! I take offense to that."
"What, are you a lawyer?" asks the man.
"No." said the man. "I'm an asshole."
This guy, George, walks into El Gringo and and makes his way to the counter. Robby the bartender asks if George
would like to join the big man contest. George thinks about it and then asks for the details. Robby directs his attention
to the bouncer who has to be at least 6'3. "First you knock him out with one punch. Then, there's a doberman downstairs who
needs his tooth pulled. Pull that, and then there's a 102 year old lady who hasn't been fucked in 63 years. Make her moan,
and you win the prize."
"Which is?" asks George.
"Half a million dollars." George thinks about, turns down the offer and asks for another beer. After five or six
more, he begins to consider the offer. Than a few more seal the deal, and he tells Robby he'll do it.
George walks over to the bouncer and pops him one good. Like a bag of bricks, the bouncer falls over with blood
in his mouth. Everyone cheers and then George walks down the stairs to the basement. The bar gets quiet as everyone waits
for the sounds of George's screams, but instead, the dog growls and growls and you hear a curse from George and a then great
struggle. Then, you hear the dog whimper and whine. The bar stays silent as this god among men walks up the stairs. He had
beaten the bouncer bloody, and subdued a full grown doberman pinscher. Then, he yells: "Now where's that old lady who needs
her tooth pulled?"
Eric seeks advice from a magician that he meets in the famous bar, El Gringo, and asks him to make his love
life more interesting. The magician thinks about it, says a few magic words, and then he informs him that he will piss nothing
but Vodca from then on. Excited, he goes home and takes two cups from the cabinet. As his girlfriend, Ezra, watches in wait,
he pisses in them and she goes berserk. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He looks at her and smiles as he hands
her her cup and sips from his. Curious she drinks from her's and is delighted to see that its Vodca.
The same happens for the next few days as they get wasted for free and one day, Eric comes home and takes only
one cup. Ezra looks curiously as he fills it and she asks: "Your not drinking tonight?"
"Oh, I'm drinking tonight." he said, taking a sip. "But your drinking from the bottle."
Greg, drunk off his ass, walks into Robby's bar, El Gringo, and stumbles on the first beautiful girl there. He lands
a huge, wet kiss on her, and she pushes him off disgusted. Realizing his mistake, he attempts to explain and apologize.
"I'm terribly sorry. It's just you look terribly like my wife." he said.
"You disgusting fuckin' pig!"
"Funny." said Greg with a crooked smile. "You sound just like her, too."
Matt feels funny and walks into a doctor's office. The doctor goes on to check him and finds nothing wrong.
"I can find nothing wrong. Maybe its due to drinking?" says the doctor. Matt nods.
"Its alright. I'll come back when you're sober."
T.C. stumbles out of El Gringo with his keys in his hand and begins to look for his car. Obviously wasted, it attracts
the attention of a cop and the officer asks him what's he looking for.
"My car." he say, deeply slurring everything. "Ssssomebody sssstole mysss car."
"Where was the last place you saw it?" asked the cop.
"It wassss at the end of thissss keyssss offissser." said T.C. The cop looks down and notices that T.C.'s pecker
is right outta the zipper.
"Sir, are you aware that your exposing yourself?" asked the officer. T.C. looks down and almost bursts into tears.
"Oh no. . . they tooksss my girlfriend, too."
In the famous bar, El Gringo, sat the baddest man to ever hold a gun, Nicky the kid. Then, Ryan, aka the Japanese kid,
comes and sits right beside him. Nick is shocked and asks Ryan: "Sir, um. . . I would be greatly honored if you taught me
a lesson or two. I've wanted to be like you since. . . I reckon I was four!"
Ryan smiled and answered:"Well, tie the bottom of your holster to your pants it won't snag your gun." Nick did
and pulled out his gun quickly and shot the bow tie off of the man playing the piano.
Ryan smiled once more and continued. "Now, cut the part of your holster near the hammer of your gun. It'll slide
out faster." Nick did and shot the cuff link from the pianist's shirt sleeve.
Ryan looked back and ordered a shot of whiskey. "Now, go bath your gun in lard."
"Why? So it'll slide out faster?" asked Nick.
"No, because the Sundance Kid over there is almost done playing the piano, and maybe it won't hurt when
he comes over here and shoves that gun up you ass."
Father Ray, drunk from a night at El Gringo, goes to a bus stop to get to his church. He gets on the bus and fumbles
in his pockets for the change. Impatiently, the bus driver begins to go and he stumbles to the back of the bus. When the bus
driver stops, Ray stumbles to the front, still fumbling for change.
The bus driver goes and Ray stumbles to the back. This goes on and on and finally, the bus stops at the church
and Ray gets off. The bus driver tells him to pay, to which, Ray replies, "Fuck off. I walked here."
Shane is driving to the grocery store one day, when he gets into a head on collision with another vehicle. Miraculously,
they both get out of the car unscratched and are sitting there looking at eachother.
"My names Mici. Man this must be a miracle. Look, both our cars are totalled, but we weren't even touched." she
said in awe. "Lets drink. I think we were meant to be."
She pulls a bottle out of her totalled car and hands it to him. "Look this wasn't touched either. We were surely
meant to drink."
Shane takes a deep chug enthusiastically, for he had just found his soul mate. Then, he hands it to her, and she
bottle, and she closed it up.
"Your not gonna drink?" asked Shane.
"Nah. I'll just wait till the cops get here."
