I love kids. I do.

 

A mom named Adrianna is having an affair with Ray and one time, the little boy, Miguel, sneaks into the closet to watch the two get down and dirty. In the middle of the act, a car pulls up and a man yells "Honey, I'm home!"

  The two freak and the man runs into the closet just as the husband steps in. While the wife and the husband make out, the little boy says: "Its dark in here."

  "Yes it is." replies Ray.

  "I have a baseball mit." says Miggy.

  "That's nice."

  "I'll sell it to you."

  "How much?" asked Ray.

  "$250 dollars." said Miggy. The man said no and Miggy smiled deviously. "My dads right there and he always carries a gun."

  The man paid up, and the boy later gave him the glove when the man left.

  The next time, it happens once more, and in the same predicament. Miggy begins the conversation the same way.

  "Its dark in here."

  "What now?"

  "A baseball bat."

  "How much?"

  "$750."

  "Fuck that!" said Ray. Miggy threatened once more, and the man gave in, paying and taking the bat later.

  A week later, Miggy is talking to his father.

  "Hey, lets play some catch?"

  "Can't." said Miggy.

  "Why not?"

  "I sold the mit and the bat." his father asked him how much he got for them, and Miggy answered. "$1000."

  The dad is outraged and takes his son to church, shoves him into the confessions boothe, and waits outside for him to confess his sins of overcharging his friends to the priest.

  "It's dark in here." said Miggy.

  "Oh, don't start that shit again." replied Father Ray.

 

A couple by the names of Erin and Matt are happily married and love eachother very much. They are elderly and have two beautiful daughters. So, they decide to try once more for a boy.

  So at the age of 58, Erin gives birth to their third child and Matt can't wait to see it. When he see's it, he's repulsed at what an ugly baby it is. He confronts Erin and asks: "How is this possible? I have two beautiful daughters." Then he points an accusing finger at Erin. "Have you been fooling around on me?"

  Erin smiles and replies, "Not this time."

 

Two boys, Chris and Zack, are walking down the hall one night to get some water, when they hear a noise coming from their parent's bedroom. Curious, they open the door a crack and Chris pops his head in. When he brings it out, his eyes are wide and his expression scared, obviously shocked from what he's just seen.

  Zack pops his head in, and when he takes it out and closes the door, he's pissed. Chris looks at him and figures they must have seen two different things judging my their different expressions.

  "What?" asks Chris.

  "And she has the nerve to tell me not to suck on my thumb!"

 

A couple, Ryan and Felicia, are getting it on, and right before orgasm, Ryan gets up to put on a condom. Right then, their young son walks in. Felicia simply pulls the covers over herself, but Ryan doesn't know what to do, so he drops on all fours and begins to look under the dresser.

  "What are you doing daddy?"

  "Looking for a mouse, son." says Ryan, thinking on his feet.

  "And what are you going to do when you find it? Fuck it?"

 

A father, Oscar, is walking past his son's room when he hears him praying. Interested in his son's priorities, he stops and listens.

  "God bless Mommy, and Daddy, and Granny, and. . . ta ta Granpa."

  Next morning, the family finds out that the grandfather had died of a stroke in the middle of the night. The dad, concerned, tells his wife Elly. She dismisses it, and that night, Oscar is once again walking past his son's room coincidentally during prayers.

  "God bless Mommy, and Daddy, and. . . ta ta Granny."

  Next morning, they find that the grandmother had died of a heart attack. The mother dismisses it, but with less enthusiasm and the father fears that he's next.

  That night: "God bless Mommy, and. . . ta ta Daddy."

  Oscar rushes to the hospital and they perform tests all night, trying like hell to find something wrong with him. In the morning, they finally conclude that he is perfectly healthy and he bursts into tears. Anxious to share the news, he calls his wife and tells her.

  "That's great honey, but hurry home. The milkman just died on our porch!"

 

Robby, our friendly bartender at El Gringo, forgot to tell his girlfriend Xanetta that the plumber was coming over that day. So, being a considerate, nice guy, he calls to let her know.

  "Hello?" asks a little girl.

  "Hey, lovely! Is mommy there."

  "She's upstairs with uncle Lou."

  "You don't have an uncle Lou." says Robby.

  "Yes I do. She's upstairs with him right now." Robby thinks about this for a bit, and then says,

  "Honey, do daddy a favor. Go upstairs and say that daddy pulled up and that he's coming upstairs." The little girl does and she come's back a few minutes later.

  "Mommy started freaking out, and she jumped out the window and died. She bye bye. And uncle Lou saw this and jumped out the other window into our swimming pool, but he must have forgot you took out the water and he's dead. He bye bye."

  Robby thinks about what she just said. "I don't have a swimming po- is this 755-0986?"

 

Hillary Clinton goes in for her check up and finds out she's pregnant. She calls Bill and starts yelling frantically:"You bastard! I'm pregnant and its all your fault! How could you! I'm going to have a kid! This is going to ruin everything. Everything! All my plans! Do you have anything to say?"

  After a few moments nothing.

  "WELL! Do you!?"

  Then, in a barely audible voice, Bill asked, "Who's this?"

 

Mica, a father of a small five year old, is walking with him through a department store. Every now and then, he'd say, "Do this, fat head." or "Hurry up, fat head."

  After awhile, curiosity overtook her, and Cris asked, "Sir, why do you call your son fathead? It's not that large?" Mica looked at her and proceded to answer.

  "You see that car parked outside." asked Mica. Cris nodded as she noticed the shiny red Escalade and he continued. "Well, that's mine. That's the first thing you need to be the pimp daddy. You see that mansion?" Cris nodded as she saw the huge estate on the top of the mountain that was visible from the store. "That's the second thing you need. And the third and final thing you need is a tight woman." Cris waited for him to continue. "And his fat head had to go and fuck it all up!"

 

A couple, Shane and Belinda, have three tall red headed kids with freckles and blue eyes. Then, their fourth son comes and he's short, has black hair, brown eyes, and no freckles. Shane ignores it as long as he can, and in old age, falls ill.

  On his death bed, he asks her: "Tell me. Is that fourth one mine? I love him as if he is and I always will, but I have to know is he mine?"

  "Yes, of course he is. I swear on all that is holy." says Belinda. With that, he smiles and dies. With a sigh, Belinda sits down. "Thank God he didn't ask me about the other three."

 

Andrew comes home from school one day and his mom asks: "How was school?"

  "Good. I fucked my english teacher today." the mom sends him to his room and waits for his father to come home and punish him. But, she got the opposite reaction and he was overwhelmed with happiness.

  When he got home from work, he went straight to his son's room. He said, "Son, I'm gonna get you that bike you've been wanting forever. How does that sound?"

  "Um. . .thanks dad. But can I just get a football instead?" The dad said sure, but asked why. "Well, my ass is really killing me."

 

A small boy, Zack, runs inside and asks his mom, "Can little girls get pregnant?"

  "Why, of course not." said the mom. The boy ran back outside and said:

  "Okay! We can play that game again!"

 

A small boy sees his dad cheating and tells his mom.

  "He kissed her, and undressed her, and did what you two do." said the boy.

  When he comes home, she tells him, "I'm leaving you." He asked for an explanation and she told the little boy to tell him exactly what he told her.

  "He kissed her, and undressed her, and did what you two do." said the boy. "Kinda like you and Uncle Jim did last summer, mommy."

 

Two parents, Shannon and John, are convinced that the only way to have a quicky would be to send their young son out on the balcony and tell him to relay all he sees. It seems to be a full proof plan because spying should keep a seven year old busy for at least an hour.

  "What do you see?" asks John as he undresses Shannon.

  "Well, a bird just flew by, and a taxi just crashed. Oh, a lady just fell on the street and the Jeffersons are having sex." the two parents spring up surprised and ask how he knows. "Well, they have their son on their balcony, too."

 

The teacher tells her students to go home, find something important and relate it to the class. So everyone goes home, and the next day they all come to school to present.

  Halfway through class, its Justin's turn and he goes up and draws a big dot on the board and then sits down. The teacher looks at it for a moment, and then asks what it is.

  "Its a period."

  "Yeah, I see that. Why's it so important?"

  "Hell if I know. All I know is that my sister missed her's, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the neighbor shot himself."